Loyalty, it’s a lovely idea but it’s generally fleeting, some are loyal for a time, some make grand pretense to be loyal, while others will only ever be loyal to themselves.
I’ve been having this discussion with my daughter recently, the two of us are fixers, it’s an unlearning that we’re doing, and the curve is steep. When we see someone, we care for struggling, our impetus is to step in and “fix” things, and although it sounds noble in theory, it’s problematic in execution. Usually, the fixing falls into two categories.
- They didn’t ask and you thought you could head them off at the pass and save them from themselves.
Or
- You’ve fixed their problems so many times in the past that they lean on you for everything and can scarcely comb their own hair alone.
Neither situation is ideal, especially not for the fixer because there’s no return on investment, only heartache. It also leans toward the baneful and vain to think you can be their savior. Then there’s the truth bomb that comes after the “fixing”. The fixed become disloyal very quickly because they don’t like to look in that mirror that reminds them that they needed ‘fixing’ to begin with and they’ll turn on you, sometimes viciously. I told you the unlearning curve was steep, because we love as hard as we hate, both of us, and the lack of reciprocation of loyalty creates a spiral of loneliness and feelings of rejection that are very hard, if not impossible, to shake off the psyche, leading to depression and anxiety.
I have found very few people in my life that are loyal for life, and many that are loyal until some new kid comes along (I’m channeling the Eagles song ‘New Kid In Town’ as I write this), I have a rare, bird’s eye view of less than a handful of people that I know I can count as loyal for life and it might surprise you to know that I count myself lucky that I have those rare, few. I’ve discussed with my daughter lately the necessity of holding oneself to the present, holding the line, just being there, it’s the only measure I’ve been able to make work for extended periods of time. Having said that though, I’d be remiss to not make the admission that I still get caught off guard by those moments that I was expecting some kind of loyalty from someone to whom I’ve been nothing but kind to and there for, when they showed me none. You cannot count on loyalty from the person with whom you are familiar, it comes with time, it’s a reciprocal relationship and sometimes no matter how you tend to reciprocate, others just won’t.
So, what do you do in those times, do you lash out, do you shoot yourself in the foot by revealing your shock and hurt to them, do you tell everyone else they know that they’re not worthy of your trust and try to blow their lives up? No, you realize the gift, that gift being, that the universe just revealed to you that this is not a person you can count on. So, you mark that down in your book of names and store it to save time in the future. You know you can’t count on them, so you don’t make that call or send that text, you move onto those you have faith in, if you’re lucky enough to have cultivated those precious few around you.
So, to the helpers; help when you're asked, not when you feel you need to help, you’re only attempting to fix yourself in those times when you do this, and you’re not doing your precious psyche any favors. To the empaths, get some distance, go ground yourself, steady your breathing and keep your peace, just because you feel it, doesn’t mean there’s anything you need to do about it, bubble yourself and move on. The ones that need the fixing are “us,” let the others fix themselves and ask for help when they need it. This was the hardest lesson of my lifetime and I still struggle because I want to be of service to something greater than myself, it’s a yearning that is hitched to my DNA and I still find I am forced to smack my own hand away daily; it’s become a reflex.
Take care of you, your light will be enough to fix many who share space with you daily, your example will be their impetus to improve their own lives. Love freely, give without expectation, help when needed, live life for you because no day is promised, words I’m learning to live by.
Tay